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i want so badly for you to see the ugliness within and still love me anyway. i want so badly for you to be ugly too. so she lied at 6:38:00 pm (0) comments no matter how much it shames me, i will always love her the way i shouldn't love her. so she lied at 12:35:00 am (0) comments he does it because he feels it's right. i do it even though i know it's wrong. we're different like that. but we both do it because we're animals. so she lied at 10:45:00 am (0) comments instead of reconciliation, i harnessed the pain that all this has brought me into attempts of feats of greatness although i know they will end in doom and disappointment. what a sweet girl. what a sweet boy. what a pretty picture. what freedom! what pain. shame on you. shame. so she lied at 2:03:00 am (0) comments it was one of those serendipity moments you see on TV. as i combed through volumes of films, his face appeared across the opposite shelf. i don't think i could breathe. almost half a decade of seperation was between us. old yellow eyes, old nose, old mouth. it was jarring. i swallowed, painfully wishing to part my blue lips to utter a greeting. but all i did was shuffle out of sight and watched from afar as his yellow eyes danced like they have always did. old words, old feelings. i feel like a nursing home filled with stubborn old fools. so she lied at 6:25:00 pm (0) comments i've never admitted to myself how it upsetted me that she didn't even acknowledge what i said. i am like that retard they just locked up in jail for a long time while she watches through a television set, sniffing in the arms of a buffed up man-acting teen boy. i still think i did the right thing. it shouldn't be my fault that she is nothing like what i made her out to be. but it is my own fault i'm in this state of trauma. i wish she wasn't so beautiful. so she lied at 6:14:00 pm (0) comments i will stop living in an unborn world. ok, that means no more friends and imaginary social gatherings which are undeniably pathetic. i can't believe how clever i am to convincingly lie like that and how stupid to believe it. this has got to stop. no more stalking people you know who don't know you. so she lied at 10:33:00 pm (0) comments the van was choked with cigarette smoke and the smell of booze. i watched in morbid fascination as the figures in the VCD player writhed and whimpered. this man who bore my little nieces; his eyes were glazed with stupor while his dark skin glistened with sweat. on my lap was innocence herself. small, smiling and completely ignorant. outside the trees rustled and threatened of flying inhabitants with long flowing hair. inside of me, the heart thudded lazily and refused to respond to a pleading mind. i begged myself to wake up but i never did for days. my eyes stayed glassy and defiled. my nose was plugged with impurities. my ears frightened. my heart racing in delayed reaction. my mind, blind with the horror of the corruption of the human condition. so she lied at 8:12:00 pm (0) comments
surprising how the dull pain irritates more than it should. surprising how someone so ignorant would cause this much anger. no, sorrow. this much sorrow. surprising the extent of my egotism until such resentment is possible between friends. i would give her a dynamite disguised in a bouqet of blood red daisies, walk away slowly and smile at the loud destruction as it hits my back and kills me too. my eyes would be open as i die and the brightness will never leave it. i hate that i have to love you so she lied at 12:39:00 pm (0) comments i just felt like screaming all this emptiness out so there could be something left. anything but this life that i am not living. this pathetic existence where i sit high above away from others, trying to pick at the glitter that shines above me in another world and weave it into some failure's attempt of writing. so she lied at 6:19:00 pm (0) comments i was a given a gift but instead of telling the truth, i made my lies grander. so she lied at 3:36:00 pm (0) comments she sleeps with lies in her head. my imaginary friends used to be bizarre with funny coloured skin, no legs and all that. as i grow older, they start grow into the norm. my imaginary friends are just normal people only that they're completely made up. now, they are even more real than before because i have brought them to the living world. God, it just shows how desperate i am for friends and how willing i am to sacrifice my soul for that. i am so pathetically, miserably lonely. so she lied at 1:58:00 pm (0) comments my body betrays me oft. it is an animal i cannot tame. still the greater embarrassment comes from having no desire to tame it. i just go along as it indulges in its animalistic pleasures while i watch from a television screen from inside and greedily hoard everything that the body earned. it would creep into my mind like black poison gas and i am suddenly made known how i am dying so slowly, so wrongly. how i am sinking instead of elevating. the thing i fear most is how i know if i don't gain some control with haste, i will pay for it with eternity. still i lay still as my body does as it pleases. sick. now i have a sick thought about cutting myself up to pieces and death with scissors. i have dire need for a brainwash. so she lied at 6:12:00 pm (0) comments especially on this miserable day, the last thing i need is Pretension breathing its suffocating, annoying breath into my face from behind its friendly mask. really. just move away. so she lied at 6:19:00 pm (0) comments
i don't understand my sick obsession with pale figments of luscious lips and wide eyed malevolence and my tendency to bring them alive through compulsive lying. no i'm lying again. i do understand. what i can't understand is how i can be so underhanded and despicable towards my friends and especially myself. i have respect for no one. because of my egotistical nature, being a compulsive liar is still not half as bad as desiring the lies that lie dead in my throat which are brought alive by the necromancy of my clever deceit. so she lied at 10:17:00 pm (0) comments sometimes i imagine that the people i love are dead just so i could see how beautiful the tragedy can be. sometimes i imagine they're dead because i just feel like being alone in the world. start afresh. new people, new love, new family. i know it's really mean. it's not like i really want it anyway. i have some beautiful friends and the most loving of families. i'm just a bitter ingrate that way. so she lied at 6:39:00 pm (0) comments
it has been a terrible day. no, it has been one of the worst days ever. it's one of those days where everything you do somehow just go horribly wrong. but what strikes you as the most horrible thing is everything that went wrong is your own damn fault. these kind of days are creased with furrowed brows, bone dry eyes and quivering chins. so she lied at 10:16:00 pm (0) comments my back is wet with whispers of gossip. i wish people would just tell me straight that they don't like me instead of hissing behind my back like a stupid tangle of stupid snakes. how can they even look at me and smile that way! superficial people with no guts or brains. if i was born attractive, i can bet you my favourite mug they will not hate me. but i am not unfortunate enough to be infected with that kind of superficial idiocy; i am proud of the way i look. the worst thing about this whole thing is how i don't hate them. in the end, only self hatred stays, along with the growing doubts of whether there really is very little goodness in me. all i want to be is a good person. at least i think i do. so she lied at 2:18:00 pm (0) comments there is nothing i can tell anyone right now yet i feel like i need to tell them a lot of things. i don't know what. i don't know what i am doing here, starting this lonely weblog and whining about how i can't write and how the reason is really that it isn't the time to. i am out there to impress people and it disgusts me. sure i stop caring when the muse starts kissing and smothering me so i write only for her but what i cannot stand about myself is how i start out to impress. to sustain the few people who have been mercilessly conned into liking me. have i completely succumbed to lunacy?! what the hell am i doing?! so she lied at 8:19:00 pm (0) comments every single time i make someone laugh, i fall in love. it would be nice not to exist among these people. what i desire is a voyeur existence. not to derive pleasure from naked bodies, (ok maybe sometimes) but just to watch and be untouched and unjudged by beauty. so she lied at 4:17:00 pm (0) comments
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